Bubba Ray Brigade
Bubba Ray hisself. Ever Dawg’s favorite Cuzz. The Founder, Prezident, Perfesser, Dean and night-time janiter a the Bubba Ray Knife Sharpenin’ School located right on 48 piney acres in the Nawth Georgia mountains. When enrollment is down, Bubba Ray has been knowed to sell a little kerosene and boiled peanuts on the side. The world’s biggest and bestest Bulldawg fan what ever was. Drives a 1958 Red & Black pick ’em up with 98o,ooo miles. He is shore he changed the oil at least three times, the last sometime aroun’ when Herschel was whuppin’ up on them Gaters. The Bubba Ray Brigade makes “Duck Dynasty” look a Philadelphyer CPA firm.
Charlene Bootsie. Charlene Bootsie or “CB” done married that handsome Bubba Ray when she wuz 16 and he was 17. It has done been married bliss as they have lived the dream ever since, goin’ to ever danged Bulldawg game no matter where it wuz or who the Dawgs wuz gonna whup. As a result a their death do us part lust fer one another, they have done produced a litter a yungins, namely, Donnie Ray (the oldest boy), Johnnie Ray, Lonnie Ray, and Ronnie Ray. Also some lovely twins, Bonnie Sue and Connie Sue.
Donnie Ray. The oldest boy, Donnie Ray had done almost completed the 8th grade when his teacher discovered he wuz actually 24 years old. A year and a half older than the the teacher, Donnie Ray had to go, but immediately got employed as a door-to-door oil changer and stump grinder.
Johnnie Ray, Lonnie Ray, Ronnie Ray, Bonnie Sue and Connie Sue. Like wuz said, jest more yungins.
Sam-So-Nite. Bubba Ray’s genuine Hound Dawg. His right front and back legs is ’bout four inches shorter than his left legs. He don’t stand up so good, but he is Hellfire comin’ ’round a corner. At age 37, Sam-So-Nite is the oldest Hound Dawg in recorded history, but he refuses to die until Them Dawgs win another National Champeenship!
“Ravishin'” Roderick, the Rhode Island Red Rooster. (friedus drummus stickus) This 82 pound Rooster has jest done joined up with the Bubba Ray Brigade mainly to prove that Gamecocks ain’t nuthin’ and to git free pre-game eats. By the way, he likes the ladies and his favorite dish is mullet.
Eunice Wylene. CB’s mama what has despised Bubba Ray and his bestest friends from the first time he done drove the Red & Black pick-up inside her front gate and took out her “Elvis is Alive” memorial mail box. Even though Eunice Wylene hates Bubba Ray, she is a majer Dawg fan and tags along to all them games even sometimes rentin’ a danged U-Haul to sleep in. The only person she hates more than Bubba Ray, is his bestest buddy on the whole planet Earth, Skeeter Doorock, his ownself. Eunice Wylene often is sippin’ outta a 16-ounce Red & Black metal flask full a some kinda purple substance that is effective as both a paint stripper and seasonal weed killer. She was the first female in her county to git a concealed weapons permit.
Granpappy Wish-Me-Die. Bubba Ray’s Granpappy is the only member a The Bubba Ray Brigade what has joined the dearly departed and resides in the Great Bulldawg Bye-N-Bye. Granpappy Wish-Me-Die comes fer a visit with Bubba Ray ever year aroun’ Hallerween which is also Annual Gater Whuppin’ Time in Jaxsunville. We is gonna hear ‘im and even see his apparition on Hallerween and git his take on the Annual Gater Whuppin’.
Skeeter Doorock. Bubba Ray’s bestest friend. Skeeter can read most road signs and can cipher dang near up to a hunderd. Workin’ fer the DOT, he has been trained so good on holdin’ the SLOW sign, he is gittin’ promoted to the STOP. The sky is the limit fer Skeeter, and he thinks that skin rash should be clearin’ up soon as the weather cools off a bit.
Pecker Osburn. May be a bit smarter than Skeeter, and has more upper teeth. Pecker don’t do much talkin’ and is always messin’ with his toes. Has six toes on one foot, but it all works out since he only has four on the other. One a Bubba Ray’s best knife sharpeners, and builds a dadgum good fire fer Tailgatin’.
Figerin’ Perry. Always figerin’ to do sumthin’, this feller don’t never do nuthin’ but figer. He does figer Them Dawgs is gonna win a National Champeenship so it’s good to have ‘im aroun’, specially when the Red & Black pick up needs unloadin’. If this feller takes a liken to ya’ he’ll give ya’ a stick a Juicy Fruit.
Vernon “GoFerTwo” Derryberry. Vernon is at his best in the stands sittin’ behind Bubba Ray. Them Dawgs can be whuppin’ them other fellers 60-Zip and Vernon will be jumpin’ up and yellin’ “Go Fer Two! Go Fer Two!” Vernon has launched a new venture what is a do-it-yerself kitchen taxidermy franchise called “U Waste ‘Em, U Paste ‘Em.” Be lookin’ fer this sucker on that there New Yorker stocking change.
Sports Model Dupree. Well, The Bubba Ray Brigade jest has to have what ya’ might call one a them “romantic interests” and Sports Model fills the bill. This gal always shows up once the Jimmy Beam is unloaded and she attracts a crowd from all over the campus. Bulldawg Red Hotpants and 6-inch Stilletoes, Sports Model packs a pair a 38’s even when she leaves her Lady Smith & Wesson in the glove department. She is the CEO of a new braisserie mail order company called “Inflate-N-Date” where a gal can go from a 32B to a 38D in seconds dependin’ on if she is goin’ to preachin’ or the skate rink.
Toole Shedd. Lives in a cave on that there Look-around Mountain what has the Georgia/Tenn-Ah-Sea state line goin’ right through it. He can sleep with his head in Georgia and his size thirteens in Tenn-Ah-Sea. Wears a hat with a big “T” on it and folks think that means “Tenn-Ah-Sea” but it always means “Toole”. Now ya’ might wonder why they call him “Toole”. Let’s jest say it ain’t got nuthin’ to do with no socket wrench.
Phoole the Mule. Toole Shedd’s only transportation. Phoole can hind kick a football 275 yards and one time kicked a Gater feller clear accrossed the St. Johns River. Phoole has a 8×10 glossy a Mr.Ed in his stall and has a copy a ever Francis the Talking Mule movie what ever was.
Ice & Tread Beulow. The Beulow boys. Ice supplies the ice fer 35 fish camps south a Cordele, Georgia and Tread has a retread empire over three South Georgia counties. Their flatbed with 300 bags a ice comes in mighty handy on them 96 degree September football days ‘specially when they break out the Pabst Blue Ribbon.
“Touchdown” Rodney Love. Looks more like Elvis than the King hisself. Eunice Wylene is always throwin’ herself at Rodney but he is always too busy eyein’ Sports Model’s Bulldawg Red britches. The boy shows up in his 1956 Pink Caddy and sings “Luv Me Bulldawg Tender” afore ever game.
Milestone “Smiley” O’Reilly. At just under 390 pounds, one a the biggest motivational speakers ya’ would ever meet. Mostly on the South Georgia tent circuit, the boy wanted to play nose tackle fer Vince Dooley back in ’85 but they didn’t have a pair a silver britches big enuff. Wears a Red & Black three piece suit and matchin’ elevator wing tips, “Smiley” just completed a tour a South Georgia WalMarts promotin’ his latest best seller, “Mash Yer Own ‘Taters”, the highway to success.
ANTI-BUBBA RAY BRIGADE TROUBLE
The Right Reverend Hal E. Looyer. Senior Paster a the Cathedral a the Old Grandad, he owns the Looyer Creamatory and Septic Tank Maintenance Company. The Right Reverend has knowed Bubba Ray since he was a yung feller and even knowed Granpappy-Wish-Me-Die afore the circumstances of his departin’. Ferever unsuccessfully after Bubba Ray to change his ways.
Sheriff Ish Stan Bull. Definitely in cahoots with The Right Reverend Hal E. Looyer, this lawman is constantly patrollin’ the sandy South Georgia backroads settin’ up a trap fer the Bubba Ray Brigade on their way or returnin’ from the Annual Gater Whuppin’. Ain’t never collered a member a the Brigade after over 40 Georgia-Florider games. His top lootenant, 118-pound Deputy Elrod “Echey” E. Rupshun, makes Barney Fife look like Rambo.
Lucius “Gater” Bates. A distant Black Sheep cuzzin’ a Bubba Ray, this dadgum varmit lives in a 1962 Orange & Blue school bus in a strawberry patch ’bout 100 yards off Highway 301 in Lawtey, Florider. Only maintains two detectable teeth, a Orange one and a Blue one. This feller always shows up in Jaxsunville ’round Hallerween.
Judy Trudy de la Snooty. A 4th generation Georgia Treker, this gal is slightly more self-centered than Scarlet O’Harer. She has more khaki in her closet than Patton’s 3rd Army. National Prezident a her sorority, Imso Kreepy Tu, she was voted “IKT Sister a the Year” durin’ the nine years she took graduatin’. As welcome as a ingrowed toenail, she inherited 3,000 acres a prime timber what surrounds Bubba Ray’s land in Nawth Georgia. Hates his Red & Black fence and has a guard chunkin’ lead at Sam-So-Nite ever time he comes on her land chasin’ a rabbit. Has a ugly Yeller Jacket tattoo on her left ankle, at least.
-NOW TAKE A GANDER AT THIS WEEK’S GAME-